


hope against hope

by snnycarisi



Category: If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, im so bad at tagging things sorry fsdjknfs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:40:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28068693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: When he let himself in and crept up the stairs towards Alexander’s room, he was both shocked and elated to find the boy curled up under the covers, asleep. He looked so small, so fragile curled in on himself like that. The boy who had played Hecate just weeks before, bursting out of the water like a fallen god and howling at the moon with enough ferocity to scare the life out of most of the audience; that boy was gone and there was nothing Colin could do about it.
Relationships: Colin Hyland/Alexander Vass
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	hope against hope

**Author's Note:**

> heyyy if we were villains tag it's me again. this has taken me forever to write and i feel like it's kind of trash but! colin and alexander! best boys! they deserve more fics so here you go lol

As he’d done almost every meal since Alexander was discharged from hospital, Colin scanned the dining hall at dinner time for his presence. 

The fourth-years huddled around their usual table, eating— or rather pushing the food around their plates— in amiable silence. But Alexander’s seat was empty. He’d always had difficulty getting himself out of bed in the morning to eat, but nowadays that seemed to be a constant, not just reserved for the mornings. His usual wolfish appetite had disappeared, and his already scrawny frame grew worryingly thinner. 

Colin sighed, his eyes landing on Filippa. She met his gaze and frowned, shaking her head slightly. The bags under her eyes had darkened since he last saw her, and Colin felt that familiar pang of sympathy in the bottom of his stomach. He himself had spent his fair share of sleepless nights in Alexander’s room as the boy detoxed, but Filippa was with him almost every night. Alexander barely slept, but Colin was sure Filippa now slept even less. She was an incredible friend to him, one Colin knew he appreciated, and frankly Colin was just glad to have someone there who could at least pretend to know what to do.

As he ate his dinner surrounded by his own friends, laughing and happy, mostly oblivious to the troubles of the students in the year above them, Colin let his worry for Alexander grow steadily. It wasn’t that he  _ wanted  _ to constantly be so ridden with anxiety, he just couldn’t help it. He finished up quickly, then flashed a reassuring smile to his friends before grabbing some things to take up to Alexander’s room, so he would at least be eating  _ something _ .

While fourth-years continued their solemn meal, Colin set off towards the castle, knowing the front door would likely be left unlocked.

When he let himself in and crept up the stairs towards Alexander’s room, he was both shocked and elated to find the boy curled up under the covers, asleep. Though he was glad for Alexander finally getting some rest, the sight left him feeling uneasy. He looked so small, so fragile curled in on himself like that. The boy who had played Hecate just weeks before, bursting out of the water like a fallen god and howling at the moon with enough ferocity to scare the life out of most of the audience; that boy was gone and there was nothing Colin could do about it. 

On stage Colin played loud, powerful men, and off stage surrounded by his third-year peers and younger admirers his role was not particularly different. To the fourth-years, though, he knew he was nothing more than a silly, naive arm-piece to the boy with unruly curls and a dangerous smile. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t hurt his ego. After working so hard to appear as Alexander’s equal, well, now he’d caught up. This was not as much of a comforting thought as he would have expected. 

He just felt so… helpless. More than anything he wanted to do something to make this all go away, to make Alexander better, but nothing he did seemed to work. Panic rose in his chest and throat, but before Colin let them get the better of him, he began collecting the dirty clothes coating the floor. The room was a mess— it always had been, but was much worse now— so the least he could do was tidy it. If he couldn’t make Alexander’s pain go away, he could at least help him be more comfortable while he was hurting. 

Before he knew it, hours had passed. He’d done a load of laundry, put books back on their shelves, swept the food crumbs and dirt from the floor, dusted every surface, he would have made the bed, too, if Alexander weren’t still asleep in it. He knew he’d gone a little overboard, but the sense of control it gave him could hardly hurt. No one had disturbed him, only Filippa had come to check he was still there before going off to her own bedroom to hopefully get some sleep herself. 

At around ten, when the room was practically spotless, Alexander began to stir. Not wanting to overwhelm him, Colin held back from approaching the bed, giving him much needed space as he woke up. He’d learned by now that Alexander’s first moments of consciousness were integral to how he’d spend the next few hours: if Colin pissed him off by being too close or too needy, he’d be irritable and moody until well past sunrise. Anxious and not knowing what to do with his restless hands, Colin approached the bookshelf and fiddled with the spines of Alexander’s books. 

“What are you doing?” Alexander mumbled, his voice gravelly and muffled by the pillow. 

Assuming the question was really what are you doing  _ here _ , Colin replied, “You missed dinner, I wanted to make sure you got something to eat.” gesturing to the bag of food he’d placed on the bedside table, he cringed at the eagerness he was sure was present in his tone. 

Colin risked turning around and meeting Alexander’s gaze. He’d propped himself up on one elbow facing Colin, his eyes wide and darting around rapidly to take in his surroundings. With his free hand, he rubbed his nose in a way that was almost kittenish, and Colin had to fight the affection that seized his heart. He would not act like a love sick teenager. He would stand there and give Alexander his food and sit with him in silence unless Alexander indicated he wanted otherwise.

Still, standing by the uncharacteristically tidy bookshelf, scrutinised under Alexander’s gaze, Colin couldn’t help himself from moving towards the bed and perching on the edge. Alexander grunted and lay back down, rolling over to face the other wall. 

“What time is it?” he asked. 

“About ten.”

Alexander grunted again. He’d never been a morning person, and, despite how it wasn’t actually morning, this was pretty normal.

Eventually he sat up and again looked around the room, finally processing how different it looked to when he had fallen asleep.

“What did you do?” Alexander queried. 

“Just tidied up a little.” looking down at his hands sheepishly, Colin felt strangely guilty for the work he’d done. “Your laundry’s on downstairs.”

Alexander’s expression darkened, and he sat himself up properly, glaring. “For fucks sake, Colin,” he said sharply, and for a moment Colin was almost glad for it— he looked and sounded like himself again, intense and nearly frightening, not weak or pained. “Don’t do that. You’re not my fucking mother and I don’t need you treating me like a toddler.” 

Whatever gladness Colin had temporarily felt was very quickly washed away with the biting quality of his words. 

“I just— I wanted to help, just a little bit. I’m not trying to coddle you, I just wanted to do something nice for you is all.” he replied, stumbling over his words in a way he never usually would in an attempt to de-escalate whatever this was before Alexander became properly angry. 

“Well it didn’t work, did it?” whatever fire had been burning behind his eyes moments ago was now gone, replaced with a tired grouchiness, as if anger was just too much effort. “Charity session over, you can fuck off now.” 

Colin was too dumbfounded to respond. Alexander was a lot of things, but he was rarely  _ mean _ , and never to him. He opened the bag of food on his bedside table and, curtly, he added, “thank you for bringing me… a muffin.” which was as close to a decent dismissal as Colin was going to get. 

Colin stood up off the bed and turned towards the door on his way out, then paused. It wasn’t fair for Alexander to talk to him that way. For almost an entire night where he could have been studying or catching up on sleep or even just being with his friends like a normal twenty-year-old, he’d instead been here, doing his best to show his boyfriend how much he cared about him, show him just a little bit of kindness. And he didn’t mind doing it, he  _ wanted  _ to do it. But even if he didn’t appreciate the end result, Alexander should at least appreciate the act itself, and he had no right to treat him like garbage because of it. Colin almost said all of this, but what came out instead was...

“I wish you’d talk to me, Alex.” he said softly, knowing very well he was the only person allowed to use that nickname, “I mean, I’m trying. I’m really trying to take care of you and I just wish you’d let me.” 

He turned a hundred and eighty degrees where he stood to face Alexander, who’s gaze was fixed on the bag of food which he fiddled with, tearing up the paper edges to avoid the conversation's shift into vulnerability.

“Why won’t you let me?” Colin continued half in desperation, half in despair. 

“I don’t need you to  _ take care of me _ . That’s the whole point.” Alexander spat, too aggressive, like a rabid dog backed into a corner by a dogcatcher with no choice but to sink his teeth into the man’s meaty calf. 

Colin, frustrated and more desperate for answers than ever, replied, “but why won’t you  _ talk  _ to me?” he paused, running a hand through his hair to ground himself and keep from becoming hysterical. “I just… I  _ know _ , with Richard—” Alexander flinched slightly, just hearing the name— “I know why everyone’s having such a hard time. But... I feel like there’s something you won’t tell me, something  _ else  _ and, christ, I just want to know what it is that’s making you hurt so bad.”

Alexander laughed a sad, humourless laugh that did nothing to alleviate the sick feeling that had settled in Colin’s stomach. “You don’t want me to tell you,” before Colin could interrupt he added, “you  _ don’t _ . You’re too… clean.”

“I’m sorry?” although it was meant as an apology, his confusion made it seem more like a question. 

“Don’t be sorry, darling. It’s a good thing.” 

Alexander was still smiling, the most pained and wretched smile Colin had ever seen and he couldn’t bear to look at it any longer. He could deal with Alexander angry, could deal with him sick and weak and falling apart but the sheer amount of sadness in his face just made Colin want to throw up. 

The conversation had solved nothing, he was now probably more confused and utterly helpless than before, and all he wanted was to make it all better, to make every bad and complicated thing go away. But he couldn’t do this, no one could. Instead, he settled for shuffling over to the bed, then slowly removing his shoes and crawling under the covers next to his partner with open arms.

Any anger that had caused the previous argument had dissipated, and Alexander gladly collapsed into Colin’s embrace, pressing a kiss to his collarbone then resting his head on Colin’s shoulder, as if it was simply too much effort to hold it up on his own. Slightly reassured (at least knowing Alexander was no longer upset with him), Colin let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, and began to gently stroke his hair. 

After long enough time had passed with the two simply sitting there holding each other calming themselves down, Colin poked Alexander gently in the ribs (which he noted protruded alarmingly from his chest). 

“You gotta eat your food.”

Alexander groaned defiantly, but this time Colin knew he was just trying to get a rise out of him.

“Come on. Do it or next time I’ll rearrange your whole room while you sleep. I might even open a window for once.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Alexander drawled, locating the muffin bag and unwrapping it, “I might burst into flames.”

“You wanna know what I think?” Colin asked after a few moments of comfortable silence passed. Alexander, mouth full, hummed in response. “I think all this crap about you being fucked up and ‘unclean’... It’s not true. I think you’re a good person, Alex, I really do.”

“Do you?” he asked, so overly sarcastic that the real desperation for it to be true was barely concealed. 

“I do.” 

Alexander didn’t reply, but Colin could tell he was thankful. He didn’t believe it, and he probably wouldn’t for a long time, but Colin would say it a million times anyway. As many times as he had to to make Alexander happy, or at least as close to happiness as he was capable of. He’d say it every single day for the rest of his life if he had to, and it occurred to Colin for the first time that the rest of his life may be a real possibility. 

Maybe a little naively, he allowed himself to look into the future they could have together. They’d finish school and both end up in New York (because where else in the country could two thespians go?) in a shitty studio apartment the size of Meredith’s closet where the heating rarely worked but they’d be together and they’d be happy. Perhaps they’d be one of those couples that always works together, a package deal starring alongside each other, Alexander the villain to his hero. They’d push each other, make each other greater, as a pair they could be the best of the best. He’d still be there if Alexander needed someone to lean on-- though hopefully by then he would have defeated his demons-- and he’d be happy to do it because he loves him and knows it makes both of them better. He loves him. He really does. And they have their whole lives ahead of them. 

Colin said none of this aloud, just smiled to himself and kissed the crown of Alexander’s head.

He hoped against all hope that they’d both just make it through the year, just a little longer to go and they’d be okay. Everyone would be okay. He held onto this thought and this thought only as he slowly drifted off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are much appreciated !!
> 
> if you wanna find me on twitter i'm @oliversmarks :-)


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